Today on Soul Fit, we are going to talk about how to spot an abusive man. And ladies, let me say this: Abuse is not always physical. Physical abuse leaves scars to prove its existence, but wounds caused from emotional abuse create invisible scars. Both cause tremendous damage. Read the rest or watch here:
Men who are abusive prey on women with some type of vulnerability that makes them an easy target. None of us are immune to being vulnerable at some point in our lives, so the more we recognize these patterns that predict abusive tendencies, the more educated we can become and the more we can protect ourselves.
Men who are abusive pull out all the charm in the beginning until they have conquered their prey. Then by the time the real man is unleashed, it’s not pretty story. Once they have their victim held captive, they do an about face leaving their victim wondering what they did wrong. She is usually convinced he is still the charming dotting loving man she feel in love with but what she doesn’t realize is that his charm was deceitful. It was just a front, a lure to hook her into their control.
I’m not saying all men who are charming are abusive, but most men who are abusive are initially charming. That is part of the bait and conceal tactic they use to lure their victims into their realm of control and power.
Since so many women are drawn to men who use charm, I want to bring some clarity and help you understand an important distinction between charm and charisma. Charm and charisma both look the same on the surface, but charm has nothing underneath.
Proverbs 26:24-25 says, “A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit. Though his speech is charming, do not believe him, for seven abominations fill his heart.”
You see, charm is deceptive and superficial. It’s all for show. But charisma, on the other hand, is different. Charisma is derived from the Hebrew word, charis, which means grace and loving kindness. It’s a spiritual quality given for the purpose of gaining influence. Charm is also used to gain influence, but influence for a selfish motive.
Charisma is backed up with character and integrity. It’s impossible to tell the difference without a deeper investigation.
There is no speed test to determine whether or not someone has character. The only way to tell the difference between charm and charisma is to evaluate a guys actions and reactions, especially when things don’t go their way. And that takes time to examine.
Charm can be an admirable quality, but unless character is underneath that charm, deceit will bite you like a snake.
Eve fell for the first snake.
So here’s my top 10 list for spotting a man with abusive tendencies:
- They come on strong, full speed ahead
- They move quickly for instant intimacy and an exclusive relationship.
- Like a snake charmer they use flattery to captivate you. Compliments about your beauty abound. You are perfect for me. I’ve waited for you all my life. No one understand me like you do. I’ve dreamed of a woman like you.
- They wine and dine you
- They lavish you with gifts that seem too quick. Gifts that are appropriate for a more mature relationship
- They plan romantic get-aways
- They want you all to themselves. At first this may seem romantic, but it’s a deceitful part of the plan to move you away from outside influences.
- They are critical of your friends and family, moving quickly to isolate you so you become completely dependent on their approval. It’s just a power play so they can keep you all to themselves and increase their dominance and influence
- They are controlling. This one is hard to observe when it’s just you and him together, because until he has captured you under his spell, he will hide all control tendencies. He is in conquering mode. He won’t try to control you until he is convinced that you are under his spell. That’s why it’s so important to observe his interactions with others he knows. Watch how they respond to him. Are they warm, friendly and affectionate? Or are they reserved, disengaged, afraid, aloof or disbelieving? If he only wants to do things with you and him and refuses to introduce you to his friends, you will have no way to judge how he engages with others. Remember, he works best at concealing his agenda to conquer you when he can isolate you.
- And the last tip is this: They seem too good to be true.
- Well, ladies, when someone is too good to be true, guess what? He’s probably not for real. My best advice: Guard your heart, take it slow, check him out thoroughly and trust you gut. And above all, pray for wisdom! For more to read on this issue, check out the articles at ChristyJohnson.org. And stay tuned on this video journey as we explore ways to improve our soul health and avoid the toxic love rut. Thanks for watching. See you next time on Soul Fit.