In a culture where everyone else is doing it, is sex before marriage really wrong? So many couples are focused on what they can’t have, but God isn’t shaking his finger at you saying, “No you can’t have that.” Here’s is what He is really saying…
In this Soul Fit message, as always, you can either watch or read. Take your pick!
Today on Soul Fit we are going to talk about a very important question and one that brings more guilt to women that any other issue. The issue of sex before marriage. In a culture where everyone else is doing it, is it really wrong? And if so, why does it cause so much guilt and shame?
Growing up I always thought sex was a big no no. You shouldn’t do that. Good girls don’t. I grew up with the mindset that God wanted to keep something from me, but I had it all backwards.
It wasn’t until I met my husband John that I understood things from God’s perspective. John and I have been married for 16 years now and I’m convinced that without the revelation about my sexual integrity that God gave me while I was dating him, our marriage would not be solid today.
Before I met John, I relied on my own willpower to resist temptation.
But how many of you know, in the face of temptation, willpower will only take you so far.
What I needed was a revelation.
Ladies, when we have a revelation of God’s truth, it empowers us to resist temptation because we’re not looking at what we can’t have, we’re focused on what we can have.
We see the blessing in our future, not what we perceive God is withholding in our present.
God isn’t shaking his finger at you saying, “No you can’t have that.” He’s saying, I have a beautiful gift for you, but if you open it too early, it won’t be all it can be.”
God is not trying to withhold something from you, He’s trying to protect something valuable, a gift He wants you to fully enjoy within the confines of marriage. I’m sure you’ve heard all that before, but let me tell you something else: The gift that He wants to give you is NOT just about your physical intimate relationship.
Sexual purity is a big deal to God. But sex isn’t the only blessing God has for relationships. Like a diamond a relationship has multiple facets, that many times never get polished because couples are hopping into bed.
God has other things He wants to develop in your relationship that are necessary to build a solid foundation in your marriage.
And there is an order for things to be developed. When you are building a house, you can’t put the roof on until the walls are up. You can’t put the walls up until the foundation is poured.
Oh, I suppose some have tried.
Relationships are the same way. There is an order for things to be developed. Spiritual oneness is first, then emotional oneness and lastly physical.
Developing a spiritual oneness in your relationship is like laying a solid foundation. Next, building a strong emotional oneness gives walls that establish borders to define the parameters of your relationship. And lastly comes the physical oneness intended to be like the roof that protects from the outside elements.
If you try to put that roof on your relationship first, your walls and foundation will be compromised.
That’s what so many couples do. Their physical oneness is fully developed. They know how to please one another physically, but emotional needs are left unmet. They’re great in bed, but their spiritual oneness is malnourished. Then when the storms come, the foundation they built their relationship on cracks.
I want to share a story with you about my friend’s struggle with her own sexual integrity.
Tamara is like so many Christian women. She loves the Lord, but struggled with this issue. The commitment to purity became even more difficult after her boyfriend proposed. “What’s the harm now, the enemy whispered. You’re going to be married soon anyway.”
One Sunday in worship, Tamara felt the Lord’s conviction and she wrote these words He spoke to her in her journal.
“What do you know about being faithful? Don’t you know that you are mine? Who are you to give yourself to another man that I have not yet given you to? You are not ready to be a faithful wife until you can be faithful to ME.
I am teaching you to love, honor and be faithful unconditionally, not just when you feel like it, but even when (especially when) it is inconvenient, uncomfortable and difficult. This type of love and relationship requires you to depend on the Holy Spirit for strength.”
Powerful words. I get chills every time I read them. So let me encourage you today.
Don’t conform to the standards of the world. Make a commitment to maintain your sexual integrity. God is the architect of relationships. He knows what He’s doing. Your sexual intimacy in marriage is worth the wait.
Stay tuned on this video journey as we explore more ways to improve our soul health and avoid the toxic love rut. Next, I’m going to talk about five ways to spot an abusive man. You can read it or watch it here.
Good advice and well explained. I was raised believing all of the above. Glad to say my husband and I did not wait until we were marrie, but we only had sex with each other. But I wish we had waited
Carolyn, thanks for being so transparent! I hope your honesty encourages other women to wait as well!
This is sooooo good! I love the way you explained it. I’ve been celibate for 3 yrs now. I barely made it lol just being honest. I was previously celibate for 4 years before i gave in to sexual temptation. The enemy is so cunning and crafty. I now understand the importance of boundaries and accountability. I didn’t have either. The guilt and shame is not worth the orgasm (just being honest and transparent). I usually try to hide this part of my life. I know the enemy would love for me to keep it to myself so others won’t be set free by my mistakes/wrong choices. In fact, this is what qualifies! Take that devil! 👊🏽
Thank you for your honesty and transparency. When we keep our struggles hidden in shame, they only multiply! We confess our sins to God to be forgiven, but scripture says that we are to confess them to one another to be cleansed. So you are right! The devil hates it when our shame is snuffed out by confession!
Very help I’m blessed by it not I can take what you story confirmed in my spirit and share it with others this so much needed in a world of young women desperate for the type of love that’s only God wisdom will provide thank you you was so on time
Wow, the conviction that Tamara recieved…. gives me chills too!
I was raised in Christian home on religious foundation and alot of it was not taught to us or given as study guides it was “dont do this or you’re going to hell” pretty much the fear of God was hammered to our minds.
I wish alot of these teachings were available for me at a young age, it would really help me make much wiser decisions for myself, and save myself from heartbreak after heartbreak. Now that I have a daughter, these teachings or study guides I hold dear and apply it to my life so that I can also pass this same wisdom to my daughter.
Thank you so much for sharing and coaching!
Kolo, I think many of us feel the way you do. There wasn’t a lot of teaching about sex through the lens of transparency and grace when a lot of us were young. Thankfully, that is changing from all the don’ts to the blessings for obedience.
I have a question, I do believe sex b4 marriage is a requirement for the lord but my question is if you have a boyfriend or partner that you going to be with for ever but you haven’t gotten married is that actually bad in the site of god. It’s not like you sleeping around or anything?!
Because isn’t it only adultery that’s bad on gods eye ??
God’s word warns against fornication or sex outside of the covenant of marriage. Fornication isn’t a word we use much in our language today, but fornication is voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other. 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, Flee sexual immorality (The KJV calls this fornication). Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.”
I’ve met someone that I can relate to. I had made my opinions and beliefs known from the beginning. But now I’ve let my desires cloud my judgement. Can I go back to the beginning and make things right again? Or is it to late.
Alexa, it’s never too late to start over! That’s what the word repent means: to change. to go a different direction. So don’t shame yourself for compromising, just start over! God’s mercies are new every day!
I’m in the same boat as Alexa & he says he doesn’t have the faith to abstain especially since it’s already happened. We don’t want this to end, we don’t want to be without each other, so part of me is thinking about compromising. After all I wasn’t honest in the beginning then sprung this on him bc I felt “convicted”, that’s not fair to him bc he wouldn’t have gotten emotionally attached if I were honest. 🙁
So which will you honor? His feelings or the conviction of the Holy Spirit? This is a very tough subject, Mona, but let me ask you a few more questions. If he doesn’t have the faith to abstain, is that the foundation you want to build a future on? Do you think it will be a firm foundation or a bit wobbly? If you compromise now, will you feel disrespect for him later when you realize you gave in? How will that affect your relationship? Does his unwillingness to abstain give clues about whether or not you are equally yoked on some fundamental issues? Will that cause issues later on down the road?
Here’s another post you can read on this topic: https://www.christyjohnson.org/how-a-revelation-changed-my-mind-about-sex/
This message is so powerful and very timely. Spiritual oneness is definitely first! Never going to compromise that ever again by God’s grace. Only a few days ago, I got out of a relationship, that, unfortunately, made me compromise my integrity, my honour. He made me think as long as we were committed and “his heart chose me”, I loved him better by sending him explicit pictures. When I realised my consciousness couldn’t live with that, I stopped and tried to continue the relationship without sending any more but I knew deep down the relationship was already compromised and I had to set myself free, I fought hard and long with myself trying to determine if this man was part of God’s plan for me. Finally, I tricked him into deleting our chat history, denied I tricked him, and tried to continue the relationship again while “watching and praying”. Thank God for the strength to make the tough call and end things with him. I have come to understand that there is no way God’s will for me is to remain in that situation. I do not know what sign I kept on waiting for but I thank God I’m finally out.
The problem is our society today doesn’t line up with how God created our bodies. I believe God created us to marry and become sexually active around 15 but this doesn’t fit our culture anymore and leaving followers of Christ to suffer with this temptation, guilt, and shame every time we have intimate feelings towards our partner before marriage. I grew up a very strong Christian and still have bouts of shame around family members if I recently had sex with my wife because it’s still taboo. This is honestly one of those biblical topics I struggle with. I think it’s absolutely horrible to tell someone they can’t have sex until they’re in their mid twenties and resist sexual feelings god put inside them years before.