9 Relationship Rationalizations that Keep you Stuck

The most well-known love junkie in the Bible is the woman who met Jesus at the well. I wish I knew her name, but the book of John only refers to her as the “woman at the well.” I always thought it’d be easier to give her a name instead of a label, so I call her Wella.

Wella lived over two-thousand years ago, but the relationship longings and feelings she felt were no different than the emotions women deal with today. But she lived in a very different culture—a society that condemned and refused to forgive the destitute, the desperate, the desolate.

She must’ve felt that in order to survive, she needed to rationalize. Maybe she believed lies like,

I need a man.

I can’t make it without one.

How will I provide for myself?

Who will take care of me when I’m old?

Her culture scorned her. Her character cursed her. A decent man would despise her reputation, so she convinced herself that any man would do. 

We don’t know anything about her background or her age, but once she recognized Jesus and comprehended how much he loved her, she ditched the shame, the guilt, the desperation and need for approval that held her in bondage to unhealthy relationships. When Jesus opened her eyes to freedom, he transformed her from despised to disciple and Wella became the first female evangelist.

Before her conversion, Wella could just as easily have been one of the following girls. Before she recognized Jesus, fear convinced her to rationalize.

If fear has cornered you, I have good news.

Fear is a liar.

Wella left her water jar at the well. She left behind the one thing that she relied on and traded it for the living water Christ offered.

Likewise, in order to embrace your future, you have to renounce your past.

As you read the profiles below of women who have fallen for the 9 unhealthy rationalizations, take note of the lies you need to renounce. Identifying these false beliefs is the first step to eliminating them. You can’t find a remedy for something that you don’t know is fractured. But shine it to the Light and darkness has to flee!

9 Unhealthy Rationalizations (aka…Lifestyles of the Broken Hearted)

The Compromiser

The rationalization—I must settle. What I really want doesn’t exist.

♥  Jennifer wants a strong Christian leader for a husband but lacks the resolve to wait. She settles for much less in relationships, convinced that what she desires is too hard to find.

♥  After her thirty-year marriage to James ended, Denise’s self-worth plummeted. When she met Mark, she felt energized by his constant flattery and attention. A few months into the relationship she discovered several things he lied about. Despite being furious, she decided that being in a relationship with a man who was untrustworthy was better than being alone.

The Fantasizer

The rationalization—A relationship will make me happy.

♥  Diane is single, but Dennis, a successful married man at the office, is all she thinks about. She often writes flirtatious messages on his Facebook wall and even bought him a gift card from a local restaurant for his office birthday party, suggesting that they “do lunch.” Before Dennis, there was a string of other unavailable men with whom she was obsessed.

♥  Amanda has had relationship issues ever since her fixation with romance began in college. Filled with unrealistic expectations, she imagined that falling in love would happen instantly and passionately, like it did in The Titanic.

♥  Courtney met Dillon online two months ago. They immediately started messaging several times a day. The conversations grew passionate and a few weeks into their relationship Dillon asked her to send nude photos to him. Although they’ve never met in person, Courtney is convinced that Dillon is in love with her.

The Fixer

The rationalization—He needs me. I can fix him.

♥  Jasmine fell in love with Cory’s potential. She knew he was a little rough around the edges, but she felt sorry for him. His mother died when he was ten. She told herself that’s why he had anger issues. Cory wasn’t her first project. Like a lost puppy who needs a home, Jasmine tends to pick up stray boys she feels sorry for. She’s not oblivious to their issues, but she needs a project to feel complete.

♥  Camille met Dustin when he got out of rehab. He stayed sober for a few months, but then began drinking again and was on the verge of losing his job. Camille made excuses for him to his employer and lent him money to pay his rent. Even though Dustin was belligerent when he was drinking, she convinced herself that he would change if she just tried a little harder to help. She told her family, “He’s a good person, but he just needs someone to believe in him.”

♥  The first time Alan shoved her, Carri told herself, it will get better after we get married. As a nurse, a twinge of false compassion convinced her that he just needed a little TLC.

The Frequent Flyer

The rationalization—Any relationship is better than none at all.

♥  Michelle got sucked into addictive relationships in junior high. In order to fit in with the popular crowd, she had to have a boyfriend. Later in life, having a relationship became as essential as a drivers license; it was merely the vehicle that took her places.

♥  Amy is addicted to the rush of romance. She gets easily bored after the chemistry in a relationship fades. In the past five years, she’s been engaged three times and has been in over twelve serious relationships.

♥  Samantha made a negative vow after seeing her parents break up that she would never give her heart to a man. Instead she hops from relationship to relationship.

The Minimizer

The rationalization—He’s not really that bad.

♥  Ashley insists David is in love with her, even though he calls her names and frequently flirts with other women in her presence. She’s convinced herself that his behavior isn’t his fault since he grew up with an alcoholic father. She ignores his behavior in order to console herself and minimize his rejection and abusive behavior.

♥  Cynthia’s husband has been distant and rude, frequently canceling dinner plans. Lately he has scheduled business out of town on weekends. She discovered that he purchased two airline tickets to Cozumel. Instead of confronting him, she excuses his behavior as stress.

The Replacer

The rationalization—I can’t do without a relationship. I have to have a backup plan.

♥  Suzanne was devastated after her fiancé, Chad, broke off their engagement. Two weeks later, she moved in with Matthew, a guy she met at Starbucks. She and Chad are still hooking up. Matthew doesn’t know.

♥  Dominique started having an affair after her husband refused to work on their relationship. When she ran into an old boyfriend and found out he was divorced, they caught up over dinner.. Soon she found herself caught up in adultery. She wants to stop but doesn’t know how.

The Re-router

The rationalization—If I stay busy I won’t feel the pain. I won’t notice the pain if my calendar is full.

♥  Carol has been unhappy in her marriage for years but afraid that a divorce will bankrupt her lifestyle. Driven by a lack of attention, she keeps her Day-Timer filled with appointments—personal trainers, tennis lessons and massages…all handsome young men.

♥  For years, Paula ignored the discontentment in her marriage by pouring herself into her children’s activities, her career, Bible studies, volunteering and community pursuits. She didn’t realize how much her identity was tied to being married until after her husband filed for divorce. Now she has to face the truth: instead of being Mrs., she’s Miss-erable.

 The Tolerator

The rationalization—I’m not worthy. This is the best I can do.

♥  Emily rushes into relationships. She frequently settles for less than what she wants. She’d rather be unsettled in a relationship than be alone.

♥  Linda tolerates unacceptable behavior in relationships. Her low self-esteem keeps her trapped in a relationship with a man who cheats on her because she doesn’t think she deserves any better.

♥  After Sandra’s marriage of twenty-nine years ended in divorce, set met Frank playing Bingo. Frank isn’t her type but they spend almost every day together. Sandra’s settled for a casual companion instead of a significant other.

The Truster

The rationalization—It’s not my place to judge.

♥  Debbie’s is fascinated with online dating sites. Even though Jim was never available on the weekends for dates, she assumed he was safe because he said he was a Christian and attended church. They went out several times before she found out he was married.

♥  Tiffany’s father left when she was two. After that her mother exposed her to several live-in relationships so Tiffany has never seen a healthy relationship modeled. Her upbringing and life experiences have branded her vulnerable. She already has three children with three different fathers. Now she’s pregnant again with the child of another man.

♥  Heather is a bad judge of character. When she and Dan first started dating, Heather believed everything Dan told her about his financial success. When she discovered that he owed $60,000 in credit card debt, she was furious and broke up with him. When he accused her of being selfish and materialistic, she felt guilty about breaking it off and went back to him. In the two years that they have been dating, Dan has been fired from three jobs and is now unemployed. Heather sees no future with Dan but feels compelled by her commitment and Dan’s manipulative accusations to stay in the relationship.

We can’t heal what we continue to ignore.

Did you recognize yourself in any of the women above? Did you see any of your tendencies in their actions? Maybe one of these women pegs you perfectly or maybe you’re a combination of two or more. Take note of those with whom you are most like. Identification of your weaknesses is the first step to bringing change. Correction and change is always proceeded by clarity and understanding.

None of these women or their relationship issues are beyond hope. Maybe you’ve done things the same way all your life, but until now, you’ve never realized that some of your romantic responses are responsible for your relationship issues. It’s a good thing when you can see where you’ve veered off course because recognition of your issues is the first step to correcting them. Only after you notice your unhealthy responses can you replace them with effective solutions.


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42 Responses to 9 Relationship Rationalizations that Keep you Stuck

  1. Kay at #

    Hello i think I’m the fixer!! I’ve fallen in love with another man that needs fixing… I’m not sure but i feel maybe he is trying really hard to change and he’s already done a lot of changing! But he’s still not stable enough.. i don’t want to be a fixer but i love him and he loves me , we fill like god brought us together for a reason!
    Help!! Idk what to do!!

    • Christy Johnson at #

      I have to answer your question with a couple of questions. Nobody is perfect and we have areas of growth, but if your motive for falling in love with potential is to change the other person, what happens when they fall short of your expectations or fail to change in the area you want to fix? Will your disappointment create bitterness that will be the downfall of your relationship?

      • TLC at #

        Yup!!! That’s my answer to your question. I’ve seen myself in a few of the stories above but I feel so stuck. I want to leave one day and then the next I don’t. I feel like it’s taking a toll on the both of us and it’s really draining me being so emotional unstable.

        • Christy Johnson at #

          It sounds like you need some accountability. We all have blind spots when it comes to relationships, but wisdom can protect us and help us stick to healthy decisions.

          • Jill at #

            I’ve been married for almost ten years. Now I know the truth and the why’s.
            Now what?…..

          • Christy Johnson at #

            That is a question for God, but I will say this: Marriage is forgiveness school. Often God uses relationships to refine us, to teach us about boundaries, our identity and many other lessons. Of course, if there is abuse or infidelity involved, that’s a different story.

          • Nazarene Khan at #

            Sadly I’ve identified myself in all nine rationalisations! This is truly alarming to say the very least!! It’s never too late to turn around and go in the right direction…

    • April Mounce at #

      I’ve been married for 30 years. My kids are grown and gone. My husband if I have a mood or a different opinion. I’m called a F…,.,.. b…h. I’m told I’m nothing my kids don’t love me. Im not on the checking account I have nothing. Emotionally I feel destroyed. I know he will never change. Today he is being lovey but It makes me sick. What do I do. I’ve not been perfect our whole marriage but I don’t know what to do

      • Christy Johnson at #

        We teach people how to treat us by what we continue to tolerate. Unacceptable behavior needs to be confronted, either verbally or with consistent actions, always keeping in mind your safety if a confrontation will provoke the other person to respond with physical abuse.
        Boundaries will either challenge the other person to make some changes or give us more clarity about whether it’s healthy to stay or not. Protecting yourself financially is extremely important. Otherwise you’re left with no options and will feel trapped and helpless.

  2. Heidi Lobel at #

    Hi Christy,

    I see myself in a few of these. I’m currently in an on again, off again relationship. I definitely look at the “potential” in this man, despite the fact that he’s lied, and been deceitful very early on. I have my own issues and feel guilty about those as well. I started off wanting a healthy relationship with this man but as things began to surface from him I started to reconnect with x’s etc. and not always being truthful. My boyfriend has so many issues that he brought with him into our relationship, I don’t know where to start. 3 kids with 3 different women, 2 divorces, is currently going through a divorce with a woman who has charged him with sexual assault, so a pending criminal trial coming up. He’s in touch with another “x” that he says he needs her help in his trial. He makes decent money, but when we met he eluded to being financially stable if not, well off. He later explained he filed for bankruptcy a few years ago and doesn’t seem to have a responsibly financial track record. I’m sort of venting everything here because I feel so guilty about a lot of things with him but also huge resentment. He loves his kids but I’m also jealous of the time his daughter takes from him because our time is very limited due to his situation but it didn’t start out that way. He seems to hold one of his x’s on a pedestal and she is almost like a “mom” to him. She helps with the daughter that is from another relationship, hosts Christmas parties etc. for all the kids. I feel like I have either no place here, or on the flip side that my only role is a romantic one, not a partner/team, or family. In my heart I know this relationship is a mess and has been from the beginning. I resent him because I felt used in the beginning, he was trying to move his stuff into my place, explaining that he was sleeping on a mattress sharing an apartment with some people. He continually made me feel guilty about not wanting to move in together, saying I wasn’t committed, and didn’t know “love” and wasn’t capable etc. It really hurt. Further I opened my home to him for the most part and he later accused me in an argument of him putting all the effort into the relationship. I’m very sad, if he goes, I put a lot of emotion into this relationship, but I just can’t take anymore.

    • Christy Johnson at #

      No one makes us feel guilty. We get to choose. But when manipulators lay it on thick, it makes it hard for those of us who are vulnerable to walk away. Deceitfulness, however, should be a deal breaker for any relationship. Trust is destroyed and intimacy is not possible. It sounds like you’ve put up with far too many unacceptable behaviors. Do you have strong women in your life that you are accountable to? A counselor? You say you know this relationship is a mess in your heart and that you are resentful. The best thing you can do is to pray and ask God how you can draw your strength, confidence and hope from Him. He will never lie to you or try to make you feel guilty.

  3. Heidi Lobel at #

    I have to add the positives, and explain why I’ve been hanging on. He is VERY loving and affectionate. I know he loves me very much and he’s doing everything he can to keep us together. This is where I feel guilty because he says love is love, that you don’t love somebody or fall out of love with somebody for the reasons I mentioned earlier. He says his financial security shouldn’t be relevant. His love is almost smothering to be honest. I had to ask him for some space many, many times. At the same time as I mentioned, my life has been far from perfect and I question myself, my own feelings. Am I incapable of loving someone? Am I selfish? Am I narcissistic? I work on myself daily, I pray, talk to God and have done intensive work to heal my past, but I keep coming back to the same problems in relationships. 🙁

  4. Stuart Churchill at #

    Hi christy
    Eventhough im a man i can relate ti many of the comments and stories posted here. I was a police officer and met my ex through my job she was subjected to domestic violence and i handled her case and we started a relationship. Over the course of 2 years we were on again and off again with so many issues including her alcohol abuse and lies about it. We broke up several times and now the situation is i moved to another state medically retired from the police to start a new life with her

    After a holiday on a cruise which was wonderful for us both things started to unravel her childten for some time had nothing to do with her because of her drinking and lying about it . She was living at her mothers fir a period before we got back together abd her children found alcohol hidden in her bedroom. She contacted me one night and we met back up and rekindled the relationship to the point where we moved in together . We were mostly happy she always said that she didnt care that he kids wanted nithing to do with her because she was happy with us and we planned our wedding for next year. When we moved in together she wanted her dog to come and live with us and my dog i agreed but wanted to get dog trainers in to help because both of our dogs would have attacked each other. Tammy was not working and i was paying all of the bills and and supporting us so i was embarrassed to say to her i couldnt afford to get the trainers in. Ine night she lost her temper and atracked me and my dog and threatened to kill him. I left the home and she moved out back to her mothers after that we saw eachother once for a day and she told me that she loved me and wanted to make it work but since then its basically been nothing from her other than me being ignored by her even after i sent her roses saying i loved her and missed her. I have nit heard from her in a couple of months now. I did speak to her eldest daughtet about her behaviour in which she told me to rid her of my life as she has always been like this and i would be better off. A few weeks ago i did hear from Tammy via a text saying that sge was fine and that sge was not back on drugs or the alcohol as i had annoyed her daughter with the texts and phine call with. Since then i have geard that she gas reconciled her relationship with herkids which is beautiful. I still love Tammy and want us i am the only man she has been with that has never subjected her to abuse or even yelled at her. I know God loves me and cares for me and her and im trying to let go and move on but i love this woman and eventhough ive tried to move on and just be friends with someone else i cant even think of being with them becuase im still in love with her. Help me i have prayed and prayed abiut this and need help please gelp me.
    Stuart from Australia

    • Christy Johnson at #

      I’m so sorry for what both of you have been through Heidi and Stuart. But if you go back to a relationship when nothing has changed you’ll be going back to the same mess. Believing what people say over what their actions show is a set up for disappointment. There are wounds inside each of us that only Christ can heal. Before they are healed, our brokenness makes us vulnerable and draws us to unhealthy relationships. We’ve got to pray and ask God to show us the root of our pain. Only He can heal it completely.

  5. Stuart Churchill at #

    Hi christy
    Thank you i do love jesus and i believe he is healing me. Could you also pray for healing over Tammy. She has been through so much abuse even at the hands of her father when we were together and i was still in the police force. I wanted to deal with him but she begged me not to as she knew what would hapoen to him through the courts. Bur now he has been charged becuase he indecently assaulted one of her daughters. I do love Tammy but i know i can no longer be the fixer or the tolerator i am a child of God’s and in him i have redemtion and vourage and strength. I was a Christian cop for many years anf did what i could to glorify him but i did fail at times like we all do. I guess im feeling like a failure now as i feel i failed Tammy

    • Christy Johnson at #

      First off, you are NOT a failure. We can only help those who want or are ready for our help. Besides that, failure is an event, but it does NOT define who you are or who Tammy is. Have you heard of the book/study Be Transformed? It is a great place to start the healing journey.

    • abc at #

      If ye love me, keep my commandments.
      John 14:15 KJV

  6. Mandi at #

    I need help I’m recently divorced well it’s been over a year since the separation I feel in love with his best friend my kids tell me to be happy my dad says no way it started wrong I value all these peoples opinions and I don’t want to hurt anybody anymore I have gone between these two men for over a year my ex is controlling and still gets to me causing me to break it off with the man I’m in live with everyone around me keeps saying it will never work. Tommy the guy I feel in love with is a God fearing man wants to goto church with me has asked me to start praying with him at night before we hang up on the phone . Marty my ex keeps telling me I’m not acting very Christ like and he wants me back but he will never forgive me I’m stuck in a triangle. Any advice?

    • Christy Johnson at #

      When did you fall in love with your husband’s best friend? Were you still married? Even if your divorce was final, beginning a new relationship while you’re still healing from a broken marriage hinders your own healing. It sounds like you have some recovery to go through before any relationship will be stable.
      As a side note, if loyalty is an important character quality to you, how loyal is a man who takes his best friend’s wife?

      • I am a fixer, I didn’t start out that way, my mom and dad were divorced and remarried 8 times all together, most of them where abusive relationships, I was burnt and locked in closets and finally raped. I know nothing about love or how it worked or didn’t work. I have only been in 3 major relationships and with 8 men in my lifetime and I am am now 49 yrs old and in love with my Lord and savior. But I recently went through a trial or temptation of the weirdest kind, my first husband was an alcoholic and had a massive heart attack at age 45 and it was 10 days before his 46th birthday that he passed away, and that’s the weird part God put two men in my life and my youngest daughter in my home, which made the name of her father Joseph ( the first man’s name) and David ( the second man’s name) and Navarro is my daughter’s last name. I know it was God because I had been praying for him to send me a godly man that I could spend the rest of my life with and have God as our goto. What I didn’t know is that this was God’s way of teaching me what to needed to do to help find this man for me, Joseph came along and was very proud and knew the bible and had preached before and it all looked good, sounded good and seamlessly perfect. Not he was a drunk and wanted my daughter and tried to use me to get her. Then David came along and he was not so godly but we talked on the phone for hours about God and he told me he wanted to learn more about God and what he wanted for our lives. We talked and saw each other for over six months and than he moved in next door and and for 3 or months we talked some more, well one night he tried to kiss me and I said no and walked away and he softly touched my hand and said are you sure ? I told him I’m not ready for anything like that and that I just went through a hurtful time with someone and he said you can explain it to me I wont judge, you never judged me when we were talking about my past. I said ok and explained. Well the yr before all this I had 2 heart attacks at work and doctors had set up a time for me to have heart surgery and I had no one to be there when I woke up and had rehab. So my daughter asked him if he would be there for me. To my surprise he said yes that he would love to be there for me. After that I kind of formed a little bit of a bond with him we started kissing and then touching and I have had a man touch me or kiss me for 8 years or more it felt amazing and after I got out of the hospital he was there every day and one day he ended up in my bed and he was so easy and soft and kind but I didn’t feel what I wanted to feel, comfortable like he wanted me the same way I wanted him to have and to hold from this day forever. He didn’t get off and neither did I. So what was wrong, I was so confused about the whole thing and I thought God was showing me the man that I was to be with forever. Within the next couple of days, he didn’t want anything to do with me and started talking bad about my kids and grandchildren and me , now I’m so confused I’m angry. But then when I started praying about it and what happened, I realized I had jumped the gun on Gods planes for me , what I had put in Gods hands I took back and then made a mess of everything. Because I had lustful feelings and followed through with them I messed up. But here is my problem I know what love is and I put that into play, so he is still next door and I’m still in love and he keeps saying because he doesn’t have a job and he can’t take care of me , that we should hold off on being together and his new ministry is taking a lot of his time. I just keep being there for him right now and not think about us being together anymore. I’m one confused woman?

        • Christy Johnson at #

          Sabrina, it’s terribly unfortunate that so many horrific things have happened to you. I wish I had a quick answer to soothe your trauma. Relationships are difficult and putting sex in the mix before a commitment of marriage makes it even more confusing. Women are wooed by words, but often a man’s words are not supported by character. Apparently, you’ve witnessed that this man’s mouth didn’t match his morals.

  7. Angie at #

    Hello Christy and all above, I want to thank each of you for sharing your truths, there all so eye opening with I’ve been through. I am currently engaged we’ve been together 7 years engaged for 2, He’s so kind and loving towards me and our children. However there a things I no longer want to put up with, they aren’t big issues but I find myself not even wanting to kiss him most of the time. I’ve always been the leader of our family and as I say ” I’m over it” I just don’t want to be with him, I feel like I can’t leave because I’ve never been on my own and he’s the household provider. I don’t even have a car!! How would I make it, what would I do are the questions I ask my self everyday only to wake up tomorrow feeling the same but to afraid to step away.

    • Christy Johnson at #

      You don’t say what the issues are. He’s kind and loving but you don’t want to kiss him. Sometimes when we focus on the little things that bother us, they are magnified and we can no longer see the good. Does he know you feel this way? It’s not a good way to start to a marriage. On the other hand, when we establish a household together outside of marriage, we miss out on the blessings of a covenant. If you’re staying just because he’s the provider, that’s not fair to him or you. If you decide to leave, you’ll have to prepare so that you leave well so you’ll be able to take care of you and your children.

      • Emily at #

        Hi Christy, I definitely feel that I identified myself in a few of of these. Currently, after having an intervention with God one night as I was praying for a previous relationship to be fixed by God. He revealed to me that I had been using relationships as a way to escape my own self and feelings since the age of 15. Which is when my first relationship ended, this was with a man who I thought was a God fearing Christian, but during the 8 years we knew each other we had an on/off relationship during which he kept me always on the hook using all the things he knew about me to his advantage. Using those to manipulate me, and the spending the rest of the time making me feel like the worst person alive when I did something that didn’t please him. ‘Nuff said, I ended that, but I guess you could say I always hated the “off” periods of our relationship too, because it was then that I would remember all the plans I had for us and think maybe I can make this work or change him. Regardless, since that relationship ended, as a result of his infidelity to me. I have since managed to date 4 great guys, all of whom I always knew deep down weren’t right for me, but either saw as having “a lot of potential” or as “well he’s nice to me than my first bf…at least” while never truly being single between them. I am now in my mid-20s and have never been married but want to. And it was during my time in my last relationship that God revealed this about myself (the fact that I am afraid of being single) and so I felt like He told me I should remain single for one year to work on all my issues and wait for what He has for me. It wasn’t easy (it took me about a month to do it after coming up with excuses and stuff) but I did, and 2 months into this I can say that I am now in the point where I miss these dysfunctional relationships and I am feeling my fears starting to creep in… got any advice for someone who’s trying to remain strong and keep my faith in God that His way and His plans are better than what I can find/manufacture on my own?

        • Christy Johnson at #

          Ask God for a vision of what He is doing in your life. What is He preparing you for? To be a strong woman, unaffected by other’s opinions? A woman who refuses to compromise? A woman secure in her identity?

          If you can begin to see things from His perspective, your determination to allow Him to complete the work He wants to finish in you begins to increase. On the other hand, without vision we lose hope. Our perseverance fades. Our strength declines. We start to cave in or make excuses.

          But if we have a strong vision that keeps us focused on the goal, it’s so much easier to disallow distractions. We WANT the prize. That’s why Paul said to keep our eyes fixed on the goal. You WILL be stronger, less vulnerable to compromise for a relationship that is less that what God has in mind for you, but if you give up BEFORE He has completed the work He wants to finish in you, you’ll end up settling. Don’t let the fear of being alone be stronger than the vision.

  8. Vivian at #

    My husband passed 4 yrs ago and I been dating a man of God for 2 years . Recently I found a message and picture of a women on his phone . I confronting him without any dispute , he admitted , and ask for forgiveness . He was so embarrassed that he deceived me .He stopped his position at his church until he feels clean with God . He called the other women and ask her to cut off all communication . The other women was a friend who was helping him during his divorce so now the women is also in a middle of Some difficulties now on her marriage . By contacting my boyfriend , they saw each other behind my back and this is how he cheated . Now he is begging for a second chance . We are a very good pair , my girls accepted him, but I do not want to start all over with someone else . Because we have a lot in common. He is trying his best to rebuilt his trust but it’s very hard . He gave me acccess to his password and Also his phone . Do you feel I should give the relationship a second chance. We pray together and we decided Togo to see aChristian counselor for advise . What do you think I should do ?

    • Christy Johnson at #

      First let me say that I’m sorry for you loss. I can’t imagine losing a husband. This is a difficult situation. It sounds like he is genuine in his repentance. Giving you his password and especially stepping down from leadership. Not all cases of infidelity are reasons to split. And I certainly can’t tell you what to do. The most important thing is that you don’t make an emotional decision, but rather hear what the Lord is saying to you personally. His wisdom in supreme. A couple of other things you might want to consider. Was he embarrassed that he got caught or that he caused others pain? Also, if you are physically intimate with him, I’d encourage you to stop as that will hinder your discernment and ability to hear God’s truth.

  9. Jemimah at #

    Somehow I feel like I have traces of three “the frequent flyer”, “the replacer “, and “the fantasizer”.
    I feel I can’t trust anymore soon tend to have someone else whom i also got easily convinced loves me and when issues arise in my relationship, I start talking to him. So I end up having this string of relationships that I’ve lost count of. I hate it.

    • Christy Johnson at #

      There are men who are trustworthy, but it takes time to tell. That’s why it’s so important to be cautious in new relationships. Once we get emotionally involved, our discernment goes out the window. Take it slow. Time will tell if his character is legit or counterfeit.

  10. Cassandra Stevens at #

    HI Christy, I’m dealing with the loss of my husband. I’m taking my days one at a time. I met a friend of mine that have a lot of issues. I think that you could really help him if he would reach out to you. We’re not involved, because he is legally separated but not divorced. I just want to ask for prayers for me as I go through my healing process. I told him you need to talk to someone other than me because I’m in no position to give you advice about your situation. I have my own grief to carry and that I won’t carry his, too.

    • Christy Johnson at #

      I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. I pray God’s grace gives you strength to face your new normal. I applaud your decision to not get involved with a man who is not legally divorced. Even when it is final, that doesn’t mean the emotional healing is finished. It’s risky to get emotionally involved until you’ve dealt with the pain and loss. But so often, after a breakup, divorce or death, the pain makes us vulnerable. You are wise to proceed with caution. May His grace empower you in the days to come.
      As for meeting with your friend, unfortunately, I only minister to women. That’s the mission field God has assigned to me:) You might have him reach out to his church or friends for a recommendation.

  11. Cassandra Stevens at #

    Hi Christy, thank you for praying for me. It’s been almost two years since I lost my husband. I am a true believer in the word of God. I’m glad that I was strong enough to grow through my healing process and each day I feel better. I read at lof of your books. I really enjoyed reading the e- book Control Ripping The Mask Off Manipulation. Again thank you for the Prayers.

  12. Erinn at #

    I have been all 9 at some point in my life time and I’m in the middle of divorce 3 from the settling and not feeling worthy of better

    • Christy Johnson at #

      You are worthy and you don’t have to settle, but wisdom moving forward is essential!

  13. Wendy at #

    Is there a link for the Wednesday webinar mentioned in the article ?

    • Christy Johnson at #

      Wendy, thanks for asking! My oops! The webinar was awhile back, and I neglected to take that text off this post. I’ll have to see if it was recorded. If so, I can email you the link to watch.

  14. Eloho at #

    I am definitely “The Compromiser”, the only thing I want in a man is for him to really love God, a strong Christian leader is exactly what I’ve been searching for and truly what I want, but I find that I’m mostly in relationships that compromise my values, beliefs and principles and definitely do not reflect anything close to Christ’s values! I pray for God’s grace to truly wait on that man!

    • Christy Johnson at #

      Eloho, waiting on the right man is worth the wait! Say no to compromise! It only sabotages and delays God’s purpose! 

  15. Sandra at #

    I am definitely a Re-Router. I have been married about 6 years and we’ve been separated for about 9 months. It took months for me to see clearly. I think the same happened for him, with regards to all of our wrongs. Since then, I have wanted to save our marriage and although he is still loving with me when we see each other…holding hands, and even more affectionate. He helps me with anything I ask at the house and is always there when I need anything. However, he says we should still get a divorce. And that this marriage has been broken…and who knows, maybe it is in God’s plan for us to get back together, but that his priorities have changed and he is putting his children first (we both have children from our previous marriages). We have both really worked on ourselves and our walk with the Lord. So, when I see him, I know in my heart we could reconcile our marriage…but I don’t know how much longer I can pray and hold on for the both of us. I feel like God has been telling me to be patient and wait on him.

    Help please…I’m confused with what step to take next.

    • Christy Johnson at #

      That’s a tough place to be when your husband’s words and actions are not saying the same thing. If God has told you to be patient and wait, then I guess my question would be, what does waiting look like?
      Ministering to your husband by being fully present and available?
      Working on yourself and your own recovery work and trusting God to speak to your husband?
      Or setting boundaries about how much time you spend together since he may be giving you false hope with his affection and acts of service?
      He says his priorities have changed. That is concerning. In a marriage, a wife is supposed to be a man’s first priority. Is he using his children as an excuse to avoid reconciliation? Do you see evidence of his involvement?

  16. Crystal at #

    Hello Christy,

    I’m am so grateful for finding your Bible plan and I have been slowly working my way through your book “Free looks good on you”. I’ve been married for 12 years and I have four sons, one of which (our oldest) is medically fragile and suffers from many disabilities and diagnoses. In this last year since we moved him into a facility, the disaster that is my marriage has been revealed like never before. I discovered through this post that I have fallen into and still struggle with being the compromiser, minimizer, re-router, tolerater and truster. I read a response that you gave to two previous posters about a wife being a man’s first priority and that deception is a deal breaker. Regardless of me seeing and connecting with these facts and identifying that I have been living through these things for years now, I’m terrified of separation. I know I’ve been unable to heal because of constant trauma being a caregiver to my son and repeat offenses in my relationship. My husband is also a manipulator, so instead of watching his actions I believed his words. I feel like I’ve become comfortable in the chaos. I go back and forth between staying and going. Any encouragement for this would be helpful. Thanks

    • Christy Johnson at #

      Awareness is the first key to change. I’m glad you’ve made the connection to see that your husband’s actions are what reveals his intentions. Not words.

      Strengthening yourself and learning how to guard your heart is essential. Hearing from God and knowing what he’s called you to do is of primary importance.

      If God calls you to stay His plan is to develop you in the midst of chaos. I know he did that for me. For years he strengthened me through multiple offenses that were actually opportunities to teach me how to forgive. Forgiveness is a strength that empowers us.
      If God calls you to leave or separate he wants to strengthen your trust. Separation is frightening but learning how to trust Him as your provide and comforter develops your relationship and confidence in areas that can’t be done in the confines of the relationship.

      We often want a complete plan before we step forward. But God often only reveals the next step. He wants us to trust him daily. I pray that God gives you the answer that you need with enough confirmation to give you the confidence you need to move forward.

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