Blinding rain slapped my windshield . After attending a writer’s conference in Dallas, I had less than seventy miles to go to get to my home in Oklahoma City, but remnants of Hurricane Ike making their way north made it difficult to see. I focused on the white dotted lines to navigate my way and strained to read the sign up ahead. As I got closer I breathed a sigh of relief. The familiar blue, red and yellow of the IHOP and Holiday Inn Express logos never looked so good. Next exit, the sign read.
Thank goodness, I thought. I’ll stop for dinner and if this rain doesn’t let up, I’ll just stay the night next door.
There weren’t many customers in the restaurant, probably because they were all at home staying out of the monsoon. Maybe that’s why Linda had time to sit down with me after she took my order. Or maybe she would have sat down with me anyway—she needed someone to talk to. She began emptying her heart out to me as quickly as the clouds outside emptied their rain.
“Oh, this storm is terrible,” she said as she plopped down in the booth seat across from me.
“I know. I could barely see even though I had my wipers on high speed. I was so thankful to see an IHOP just off the highway.”
“Since we’re not too busy, our manager might let me go home.”
“He wouldn’t send you home in this downpour, would he?”
“Well, they can’t afford to keep us all here if we don’t have customers. Besides this would be a good opportunity for me to check on my husband.”
“Is he sick?”
“Define sick,” she said rolling her eyes. “He messes around on me a lot.”
“Really, how do you know that?”
“I guess it’s easy for him to get away with it since I work a lot of evenings. It’s not fair, though. I work two jobs, pay all the bills and he barely pulls off a part-time job and then runs around on me every chance he gets. I can hardly go anywhere in town without wondering, ‘Has he slept with her?’ or ‘Is she the one that keeps texting him?’ He’s probably slept with half the town. I get all kinds of looks from women. I’m sure they think I’m a fool for putting up with him. Everyone in town knows how he is. It’s gotten so bad that I just don’t go anywhere with him anymore. I get tired of their stares. That’s why I like working at this IHOP. It’s more of a drive from my first job—thirty miles. But at least I don’t have to worry about running into any of the women that are messing around with my husband.”
“How long have you been married?”
“Seven years,” she said with a long exhale.
“Why do you put up with his cheating?”
“I’ve tried to leave him before but I always get these huge anxiety attacks. I know it sounds crazy. I wish I could leave him, but Jim is my security blanket.”
Another waitress with long blonde hair stopped by the table where Linda had sat down. Linda scooted over and the young girl slid in slowly next to her, holding her stomach carefully.
“How far along are you?” I asked.
“Five months,” she replied.
“First baby?” I smiled assumingly.
“No. My forth.”
“Really? You look so young. How old are you?”
“Twenty-four.”
“This is my daughter,” Linda announced. “Her and I work together. Tif’s not too good at picking out men either. I’m sure she gets that from me. Four babies and four different daddies.”
A blast of thunder outside punctuated her last statement as a wave of compassion spread over me—compassion for women caught up in a cycle of addiction that they can actually see, but can’t figure out how to escape.
What doesn’t heal gets passed down.
“I wasn’t always so good at picking out men, either,” I confessed. “Left on my own, I’d pick the emotionally abusive one every time. It wasn’t until my encounter with Christ that I believed there was a way out. It’s a lot of work changing our habits that keep us bound in unhealthy relationships but if you ever want to talk some more, I’d love to listen. I couldn’t have made it without the Lord and the women who helped pull me out of the pit.”
“I know what you mean. I was raised in church. In fact, my grandfather is a preacher. He’s really concerned about me and is always trying to help. Even though I know I should leave Jim, I just can’t seem to do it.”
“Although I don’t advocate his infidelity, leaving isn’t the only answer. Unless you make the necessary changes in you that predispose you to unhealthy relationships, you will gravitate like a magnet to another relationship wrought with issues.”
“I can vouch for that. This is my second marriage. My first husband was a nasty alcoholic. Made Jim look like a saint.”
“And what about your daughter? Your daughter is walking in your relationship footsteps. Don’t you want her to have a better life? The book of Deuteronomy says that the iniquities, or the places where we struggle, are passed down to the fourth generation, but He shows his love to a thousand generations. I believe that if you escape this bondage that it will pave the way for your daughter and your grandchildren to have godly relationships. Often our children don’t escape unless we lead the way.”
“I know you’re right. Tiff and I talk about this all the time. We see our problems. Tiffany can see that I need to change and I can see that Tiffany needs to change. She’s working like crazy to take care of all of her children. I do want a better future for her, but it’s easier for me to look at Tiff’s life than to do what I need to do to change my life.”
Tiffany got up to wait on a customer and Linda and I talked for another half an hour as I shared the hope of Christ with her. When the rain died down, I paid my bill and gave Linda my card. “Please call me anytime you want to talk,” I said as I gave her a hug. “Obviously, this was a divine connection. Seriously, how many times do you sit down at work and tell a customer your life story?”
Linda smiled and nodded. “I know.”
As I turned to walk out the door, I noticed an arch of vibrant color peeking out from behind the clouds. “Check it out. There’s your promise, girl!” I said pointing to the rainbow as I pushed the door open.
It’s been almost a year since my visit to IHOP, but Linda never called. Maybe it was anxiety. Maybe the thought of leaving her familiar prison was too risky. Maybe she thought Jim would change. Or maybe she realized that the work required to gain her freedom was too much effort. It was easier to endure the misery. At least the misery was familiar and she knew what to expect. But freedom…she had never traveled there before. Freedom was an unknown land.
I know Linda’s promise is still waiting on her. Whatever the reason for her delayed recovery, she saw the problem, but seeing isn’t enough. Even though Linda saw the truth, she was unable to embrace it. Unfortunately, seeing is not believing. Linda recognized the truth but she was so paralyzed with the familiarity of her situation that she was unable to do anything about it.
Linda and women like her are the reason I wrote Love Junkies, 7 Steps for Breaking the Toxic Relationship Cycle. I, too, was once trapped in bondage to a toxic relationship I didn’t know how to escape. I spent years begging him to change until I finally realized I could only change myself. It’s not until we reach that place, that place at the end of ourselves and the end of our own efforts, that hope appears.
The pain pushed me to change. Today, I’m thrilled with my life and happily married to an amazing man who adores me and treats me like a queen. The pain was worth it. There is hope on the other side when we push past. I wouldn’t have the life I have today if I stayed where I was. Change is scary. But staying stuck is worse.
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